You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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