I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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