I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
