I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
