Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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