If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have feelings that need drinking.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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