dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
