a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
