I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
