This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
