Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
