I am spending my child support on dildos
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
