Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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