I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
