I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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