I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
