I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
