Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
