Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
