Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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