If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
