just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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