he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it hurts more in the daytime
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
