I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
A bitchslap is in order.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
