I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
