Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
