He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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