i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
