Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Randomize
