OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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