whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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