So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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