I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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