I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
