Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
