I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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