It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
