Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
