I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
