Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
