Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
