Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
