i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
