If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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