Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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