I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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