I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
