I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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