I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
