All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
