Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
