omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
