if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
