Is it normal to miss your booty call?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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