I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
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Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
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Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize