The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
