saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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